I am sitting exactly where I am meant to sit in this lifetime right now. Cruisin’ by Smokey Robinson just came on. I’ve got a window lounge seat-view of the street, across which beautiful people dine, drink, laugh. It paused me. Still playing, taking me wherever I am to go on this road of my journey. The light is on. The wheels roll by, like skates in motion going nowhere, yet experiencing the All. I’ve been writing; been writing my way through my life changes, the journey of the way of me: chosen and not chosen. I must leave space for that which I do not know and cannot see. That is how we arrive at our full and complete self. Nothing is missing, yet easily we forget, skip beats, start poking and prodding at that which needs to be left alone. I’ve learned that. That’s why I take flight. That’s why I am okay with leaving it all behind, because I take it all with me. Everything that I need in order to move inside of my lifetime, I have within. This is a gift to us all: the quiet of within. The external abundance shows up, like magic. I live inside life’s magic. Layer after layer, peeled back like an onion to show the way of the journey. Life is not without grooves, no, and those grooves are not always carved smooth, but catch our skin with the pinch of splinter. It’s about how we participate in those grooves, how we see them, allow them the room and space to be, and how we stand ready with tweezers to pull the pain of the pinch back to the quiet.
Been thinking about my father lately. Been thinking about my mother, too. Been thinking about myself and how both of them run through my veins. Been thinking about keeping some. Been thinking about letting some go. Been thinking about how I’ve kept some and let some go. No one is perfect. Yet we can choose to take the perfection of each and shape a self, add to the mix of who we are outside of them, apart from them, and create someone wonderful. Been thinking about how I let it all go. Been thinking about my time sleeping on my best friend’s couch. Been thinking about how far we’ve come: from being a couple to being friends; going from there only being us to there being others. Been thinking about Mexico. Been thinking about school. Been thinking about all the things I’ve been thinking about and how I am living most fully inside these complex onion layers and how at times they burn my eyes and the tears fall. They’ve been caramelized though; no longer burning eyes or smelling to stink. Been thinking about love, too, moreso about connection and what that looks like at forty-two. It’s not the same as thirty, thirty-five even. I’m different. Connection doesn’t just connect, it builds and grows. Been thinking about how that’s not true for some and remaining in the knowing that it’s what’s true for me. Been thinking about what’s true and what’s false. Been thinking about being here in Long Beach and how like home it feels on this weekend visit. Been thinking about saying goodbye to everyone. I’m leaving. Been thinking about that. Been thinking about packing. Been thinking about buying a house in Mexico. Been thinking about traveling with God and feeling Its breath upon my skin. Been thinking about the Yes I’m saying to life and all of the good that comes with my receptivity. I’ve been thinking, and my thoughts guide me always in the direction of Oneness. Been thinking about that second glass of wine I just ordered and the meter that has ticked near time. Been thinking I should be on the road heading east to my going away party—my mother is throwing it after all. I’ll have a few more sips then dash before time ticks to its end. Sometimes we have to stop and give things some thought. Been thinking about that, too.